Fitting in is hard.
I guess I always thought that once I was out of high school and into college and beyond, finding a group of people I belonged with would be simple. I'm a friendly person.. I think I'm personable, funny, a little sarcastic, diverse and just generally pleasing to be around. I assumed that those qualities would help me to feel comfortable in any group-type situation I would find myself in.
However, in the past few months I've realized that there is a difference between hanging out with a group of people and feeling like you truly belong somewhere. You know that feeling when you're sitting in a restaurant with a bunch of people you know and the conversation is flowing.. But instead of being IN the conversation, the conversation is just happening AROUND you. You sit there, smiling and nodding and trying desperately to grab onto a snippet of something you can comment on or add to in some way. It's so taxing and frustrating.. Afterward it feels like you've just run a mile and ended up in the same place you started.
I've felt like this off and on for a few months.. I was doing a kind of spastic friendship-dance. Two steps forward and one step back. Some days I'd feel totally in sync with everyone I was interacting with. I'd go home feeling full and accomplished and all warm tingly with new found friendship. Other days I'd feel like the black sheep.. The courtesy friend.. Discouraged and lonely even though I was surrounded by great, funny, friendly and interesting people.
I've always been EXTREMELY interested in group dynamics. Having grown up with a group of close friends for most of my life, I was very comfortable being the leader of the pack. I haven't had a lot of experience being the new kid on the block. Lately, I've been able to sit back, enjoy conversations and observe a diverse yet similar (oxymoron, I know) conglomeration of personalities. I love watching how a tight group interacts with one another.
This past week was my spring break and I was lucky to spend a lot of time hanging out with my boyfriend and his friends, my new friends. I felt like this week was a bit of a breakthrough for me. 90% of the time I felt like I was a part of the body.. A piece of the puzzle. I didn't feel like I was on the outside looking in. I'm so excited and encouraged!
I remember one day I was sitting on Doug's bed and my phone kept going off.. He asked me who I was talking to and I rambled off a list of 3 or 4 people. He looked at me and smiled and said, "Sounds like you're talking to my friends more than I am today!" I stopped and looked at him for a minute before I realized that he was right! I consider them to be my friends now too, and I'm extremely thankful that he has encouraged me to stick my neck out and bond with them. I'm also grateful to them for accepting me, including me and making me feel like I belong. There were a few months when I didn't get a call or a text all day long.. I felt so lonely and abandoned and I couldn't even remember what it felt like to sit in a room that was so loud and full of people and laughter and chatter that you had to yell to make yourself heard. I had that this week and I can't describe how amazing it felt.
So I guess (if you've made it this far) that I'd encourage you to pull people in that are on the outskirts of your group of friends. It will mean more to them than you realize.. No matter how old we are, we still need people around us to enrich our lives.
<3 Katie
